This is a non-political post. All comments on this site or social media will be deleted. This is a common-sense and common-decency post, which unfortunately are not that common anymore.
Something has happened in our culture where people feel it is their right to say whatever they want. While free speech is a valued right in America, that doesn’t mean that you SHOULD say anything that you want. There was a time when parents used to teach their children, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Unfortunately, I don’t think that is the case anymore.
James 3 has a lot to say about being careful with our tongues. Verses 7-9 say
For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.
Our tongues can be full of deadly poison. We can kill and destroy with our words.
My parents had a coffee table book when I was a kid that was very shiny and I will never forget the title: “Apples of Gold”. This reference comes from Psalm 25. Here in verses 11-13, the psalmist describes how proper words can encourage and give life.
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.
Like the cold of snow in the time of harvest is a faithful messenger to those who send him; he refreshes the soul of his masters.
Our words can tear down, but timely words can be incredibly valuable, like a gold apple on a silver tray. They can help make us better. The phrase “like the cold of snow in the time of harvest” likely refers to the practice of saving snow to put in workers’ drinks to cool them off and quench their thirst. They are refreshing.
I think Eph. 4:32 says it well “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (KJV).
Be nice. MIYCSANDSAAAGA!
Being someone raised by parents who used “IYCSANDSAAA” all the time, I feel somewhat qualified to speak on this topic. I think there is confusion surrounding how people express when there are genuine problems present without being rude. Jesus never said to be winsome, but gentle and loving in speech. Loving is NOT only saying, “nice things”, but saying the hard things with the intent not to harm, but help. Being said, I do believe that there is also a time where it is better just not to speak altogether as warned in Proverbs 26:4–5: Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes. This balance comes from the wisdom and discernment rooted in meditating on the Word and in prayer. Nobody likes the person who ALWAYS has to say something about everything, but “perfectly timed” strikes can be very helpful for the building and encouraging of others. I think of how Paul encourages new believers in Ephesians 4: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. This is a verse I meditate on regularly that helps me as I go about my day. I find there are many opinions and thoughts I have that I end up not sharing because I realize it wouldn’t be helpful or loving to share.
Jordan-glad you were raised right! Agreed that saying “nice things” is sometimes hard. Being nice is a license to encourage flattery. Sometimes hard things have to be said. We have to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). The Psalm above talks about the “reprover.” That is likely someone who is saying something hard, but is ultimately kind.
It is interesting how hypocritical society is. On the one hand people are so quick to state their opinions even if they are inconsiderate, while at the same time they are unwilling to listen or let other people have other views and opinions. Criticism in any form or fashion is considered offensive and even the truth is now offensive. When people go around and tell people they are wrong they do it in unkind ways that is so inconsiderate to other people. In a culture that is being ever more geared and influenced by “me-first” culture, there is a lack of kindness in speech towards one another. I really liked the passage that were referenced in this post. This goes to show that Christians are called to be different and show a different mindset than what the world displays. Christians can get so easily sucked into unkind speech just because they know that other party is wrong. While that may even be the case, speaking the truth in love is necessary and important. There are even times when we should be practicing self-control.
This is a really needed reminder, especially in a culture where speaking quickly often matters more than speaking wisely. I think you’re right to point out that freedom of speech doesn’t automatically mean freedom from responsibility. James 3 is pretty blunt about the power of the tongue, and it’s uncomfortable because it describes something most of us experience daily. The same mouth that can speak worship or encouragement can also tear someone down, sometimes in the same conversation or even the same moment. That tension makes it clear that speech is not a neutral tool, it carries real moral weight.
I also appreciate the way you connected that warning to the beauty of “a word fitly spoken.” The imagery of apples of gold and refreshing cold water really reframes communication as something that can bring life, not just avoid harm. That’s a higher standard than simply “don’t say bad things,” it’s about actively choosing words that strengthen, heal, and build others up. Ephesians 4:32 fits well with that, because kindness and forgiveness shape not just what we avoid saying, but what we choose to say instead.
I think this is something parents don’t teach their little kids anymore, and it’s becoming more common as this generation gets older. I think it’s a bit ironic that people want to be critical of others in their speech and say whatever they want, but they get offended when others criticize them or say something they don’t want to hear. We live in a culture today that says whatever they want, not caring how it comes off or if it’s offensive. I think another phrase that has gotten away from us is “Think before you speak”.We don’t do that much either.
I like the reference to James 3 that ties in what God has to say about the tongue. As Christians, we should especially keep this in mind and think about how our words and speech are coming off to others, and whether or not they’re glorifying Christ. I hope that culture starts to make a turnaround and realizes that just because we have free speech doesn’t mean that we should use it to say whatever we want and not be considerate of others.
I think this is especially relevant in American churches and ministry settings, as freedom of speech has become an excuse to say whatever, whenever, including in ministry situations. These situations are often the most difficult, as everyone has an opinion and often speaks such opinions without considering the ramifications of tearing others down, gossiping, or causing division in the church. While there are definitely times to speak up as a worship leader, there are also occasions where keeping the peace is more important, especially if a complaint is about a secondary or stylistic issue rather than a theological or moral one. I love your reference to James 3:7-9, which has convicted me on numerous occasions and reminded me just how powerful words are. ultimately, there may be inevitable conflict in church ministry, but I hope to grow as a worship leader who can address such situations by speaking truth in a kind manner.
A common story that I like to tell people in regards to speech and gossip is my experience in seventh grade at my Christian school where I was the only boy in a class of me and eight other girls. This year was my villain origin story of how much I hate gossip and talking about people behind their backs. I think we so often like to talk about the problems of other people as a way to avoid putting ourselves in the spotlight. The reason I bring this up is because I find this issue to be further elevated when the other person is not around. Even within the walls of our homes this issue can pervade very easily.
However, there is another side to this equation where compliments that are said about someone who is not around are given much more meaning. It’s one thing to praise someone to their face, but to praise them out of a genuine heart even when they are not around is a significantly more meaningful comment. I would encourage all believers to make it their aim to speak as positively about others as they can, especially when they are not around.
In our culture, especially through social media, saying what you think is celebrated and encouraged. In effect, I think we are trying to prove ourselves or ensure our opinion is heard. Honesty and being true to “yourself” is the highest good you can achieve in our culture.
In complete contrast though, as believers we are called to withhold unwholesome speech. Not as a matter of tact or politeness, but because of who we are in Christ. There is a difference. We are called to speak with gracious, wise words (1 Peter 3:15; Col. 4:6) to build up the church and those around us. Not to bring glory to ourselves.
My father often talked about his struggles with controlling his tongue. In his early college and high school years, before he was saved, it was second nature to knock down others using his words. he might find the little insecurity someone has and use it to tear someone down ruthlessly. He was saved in college and went into full-time ministry as a pastor, and the lord worked in him. But our old habits often come back, even when we are believers. He often spoke to me about his struggle with it, and how much more important it is to be careful with our tongues in ministry.
If I want to be effective in ministry but use words to knock people down, or say mean things instead of good, I will be quite ineffective! Who can believe someone is genuine when he or she speaks badly in one place, then speaks righteously on the platform or behind the podium? As someone who wants to enter worship leadership, I’ve seen that directing musicians doesn’t need to be a mean or overly frank business, especially with volunteers. There is a time for frankness, with someone who is difficult and can’t hear it any other way. Either way, I know the Lord hears my words; I should be using them to glorify him. But I need much grace for the things I have said. Praise Jesus, the giver of grace like a river.